That By Which All Things Are Measured

I have yet to see one. In fact, I’m not quite sure what they are. No, that’s not a fact. The fact is I have absolutely no idea what they are. With that in mind it may come as a surprise how colorfully one can describe a thing of which they cannot define.
Here are just a few adjectives by which I know them to be referred: they are tired, lazy, broke, excessively hungry, and I believe among all things, ugly.
DISCLAIMER FOR RACISTS: I believe I just described the way you would describe what ever group you have decided would be best for your misplaced hate. Please understand when you started thinking “I know where he’s going with this!” … That is without question NOT where I was going. … Now, back to it….
What makes our mysterious subject all the more intriguing is the notion that not only are these words suitable descriptions, we find our mysterious subject embodies and epitomizes them more than any other known animal or mineral.
Allow me to explain. If I were more churlish in nature and met a portly gent whilst walking my dog I might remark to him, “My stars sir but you are as fat as a cow.” (I would never do this of course.) It would seem our society has associated cows with being the ultimate in fattyness. Now I know what a cow is and so I get that simile. We all understand.
Far too often in my daily endeavors my ears hit the proverbial speed bumps that give my brain a start and cause it to say “Eh what’s this now!?” for you see, one word has rapidly been germinating within our colloquial vernacular for nigh upon two decades now becoming the veritable cow to everyone’s fat guy.
Now at this point you may be saying “Out with it! What is this enigmatic mystery?” Well first of all calm down. I will spill the beans or at the least spread them on some toast.
What could be fatter than a cow?colder than ice? More tired than an insomniac single mother recently given birth to twins? …..
A mug. Yes a MUG! What is this bewildering subject by which mankind constantly compares itself? The dictionary offers no help. Webster defines a mug as “A cylindrical drinking cup” or just as perplexing “The face or mouth of a person.” Obviously these definitions will not take us where we want to go.
When definitions fail us we use context clues. Right? So what could we mean when we say something is as cold as a mug? Tired as a mug? Broke as a mug? Hungry as a mug? Drunk as a mug? Sick as a mug? Bored as a mug? Hot as a mug? Lazy as a mug? Tall as a mug? Stupid as a mug? Fine as a mug?
Things in our world are no longer hard as a rock. They are hard as a mug. We do not cry like a baby, we cry like a mug. No one runs like a cheetah, they run like a mug. “Cats and dogs” is clearly an archaic system of rain measurement because when it rains hard, it indeed is raining like a mug.
How could one thing embody such vast amounts of qualities? How can something contain the defining trait of both hot AND cold? Ugly AND fine? And am I to believe that whatever this thing is shines like the sun, rains like the sky, gets cloudy, snows, and is windy? The forces of nature are even described according to the characteristics of a mug.
This leads me to believe the mug can be likened to some ambiguous godlike force that either is all things or at least is in all things. If the mug is the supreme thing by which all can be described, is it therefore THE supreme thing? Supreme being even? It would sadly seem a growing number of the populace believe that very thing.